Saturday, February 05, 2005

Ammohog test run uno

It's time we had


Islam has long been a great mystery to the west, even to most scholars on the subject.
But not to worry! I know ALL ABOUT these things and I'd be more than happy to 'splain.

Long long ago, about fifteen hundred years, there lived an unemployed illiterate
pedophile maniac named Mohammad. Mo had a lot of social issues and low self esteem.

~Mo Hammad~

The local goat market was in a slump and Mo was at a loss on how to make a living
and improve his lot, he lived in a cave out back of his dad's place and was not happy.

Mo hit upon the idea of picking one of the many deities available and promoting
this deity into the supreme god of gods with him as its prophet and spokesman.
He was a pretty shrewd fellow for an illiterate unemployed pedophile maniac and
realized this could be big mojo for him and end his poverty and pathetic miserableness.
Folks in Mo's neighborhood were pretty gullible and prone to believe anything at all.

In a local holy place called Mecca the folks worshipped all kinds of different gods
in a sort of holy grotto and had set up shrines to all the varied gods and stuff.
Mo hied himself to Mecca and found he thought highly of allah, the moon god.

Allah was in fact a rock, or a stone if you will, and was kind of an obscure god
because.. well, was just a rock. Allah had two daughters who were pebbles
and a bit later a great schism erupted over whether it was OK to worship these
pebbles too, seeing as they were the daughters of allah.. turned out it was not OK.

The magical allah stone!

There was even a classical but obscure arabic song composed at the
time about allah the moon god (stone) which can be heard here.

Having selected which deity he would promote, Mo decided that a supreme god of gods
like allah the stone would need to have some pretty serious rules and regulations and stuff
if Mo were to truly profit from being a prophet. So he sat his illiterate unemployed pedophile maniac
butt down and hacked out a whole crackhead's ranting of illogic and hate and general oppresive
negativity & fanaticism and called it the word of allah, the rock, as told to him.. Mo, the prophet.
(He had to dictate this to a scribe, he could only manage to draw stick figures in the dirt by himself.)

More or less allah the rock's message (as told by holy Mo) was pretty much about
how only those folks who believed allah the rock's message (as told by holy Mo) were
any good at all and they should live more or less like dogs and obey very strictly the
laws laid down in allah the rock's message (as told by holy Mo) and these were mostly
about being a slave to allah the rock and treating women like dirty boots and making
obeissance to allah the rock several times a day and performing obsessive-compulsive
washing acts and other kind of gross stuff that I won't go into right here or now.

Also, allah the stone gave the faithful all kinds of dietary restrictions.
Some say these may have been prompted by young Mo having been
rejected by a particular barnyard animal, the scriptures are unclear.

All these things, while seeming kind of outrageous, were only for the believers, the faithful.

For the non-believers in allah the rock's message (as told by holy Mo), things were much worse.

According to allah the rock and holy Mo if you were a believer it would
be perfectly OK to lie, cheat, steal, rob, subjugate, tax, plunder, kill, rape,
mutilate, immolate, dismember, impale, decapitate, disembowel, strangle,
impoverish, enslave, kick, spit on or damn to hell anyone who was not a believer.

The crowd went wild!

Oh, how the local folks ate this up! Like gravy on biscuits they were all over it.

Amazingly, these folks for the most part don't drink any alcohol.
I find that incredible because it usually takes about 3/4 of a bottle
of Tequila for me to get anywhere even close to a mind-set like that.

Mo decided to go national with his shpiel about allah the rock's message
so he killed an elderly lemon vendor and stole his donkey and went on tour.

In every town and tent city and caravan Mo visited, he sold his fabrications
to all the goatherders and tentmakers and sheepshaggers he could and they
mostly ate it up.. Mo was enthused and hired more scribes to jot down more
rantings about how allah the rock commanded it's slaves to make a holy war
whenever possible against all who disbelieve the supremacy of allah the rock.

The crowd went wild!

Ultimately, Mo was highly sucessful in a local fashion in convicing the various
goatherders and tentmakers and sheepshaggers of his time to convert completely
to the subjugation & worship of allah the rock and it's message (as told by holy Mo).
The faithful managed to enshrine the actual rock that embodies allah in the holy area
of Mecca, and they built a huge giant cube around it and now it has magical genies inside.

Mo's followers gave the name "islam" to this new exciting religion of hate and
oppression and mindless slavery to a moon rock that isn't even from the moon.
"Islam" roughly translated means: "We like the moon!"

Mo was mighty pleased with the way things worked out until he went to hell
but thats another story. Ultimately whole bunches of folks adopted the sacred
teachings of allah the rock and holy Mo.. they gather around the giant cube full
of magic genies and declare themselves slaves while prostrating suggestively.
It's quite a scene!

Also it is a fact that allah the rock left another piece of himself lying about
in Mecca strategically located near a bunch of vendors.. this holy attraction
is billed as the "black stone of allah" and is encased in a sphincter-like arrangement
into which the devout may place their heads. Mo would have been proud!

I'm glad to have had this opportunity for us all to learn more
about fascinating islam. I'm sure there is even yet more to the story
but I've droned on long enough. Have a wonderful day and please
remember that while allah the rock might be an awesome powerful
stone or whatever.. he is really quite afraid of the US Marine Corps.

Carry on!

This shameless infidel bloggage is brought to you by:

ALLAH brand urinal cakes.(tm)

"May peace be upon him!"


Or if you like...



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